HOLY Crap! I almost pissed myself!

Excerpt from bertrandom.com

Katie Holmes to Seventeen magazine last October, presumably well before she started dating Tom Cruise: "I think every little girl dreams about [her wedding]. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise." (Seventeen via IMDB)

It’s funny that you ask this, Kelly, because when I heard about it from my sister, which she prefaced by saying, “The world is ending…”, I was undoubtedly shaken. I set my personal problems aside, which are numerous, and gave old Tom Cruise a call. He was between Bob, DJ and Diamond, Dustin.

“Tom, let me get straight to it, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, Bertrand, when you get to be my age…”
“60?”
“47.”
“Close enough.”
“When you get to be my age, you come to realize there are certain things in life that are important to you.”
“Using your celebrity status to influence presidential elections?”
“Banging Katie Holmes.”
“But how did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to bang Katie Holmes, to use the parlance of our times?”
“That’s none of your goddamn business.”
“See, this is my theory. Nicole Kidman does better films than you, so…”
“Nic doesn’t do better films than me!”
“Tom, when she was doing Moulin Rouge, you were doing Vanilla Sky. When she was making The Hours, you made Minority Report.”
“Stepford Wives got panned!”
“I’m going to tell you this right now, it kicked the shit out of Collateral. So Nicole Kidman does better films than you, and you got tired of that. You were on a plane watching First Daughter and you saw Katie Holmes and thought, if I dated her, I’d be making better movies than her!”
“Not true.”
“The Gift?”
“No, that’s not what happened.”
“All right, what happened?”
“Well, I was sitting at home on a Friday night, having a cappuccino and some blow, and the kids were lying on the floor watching Dawson’s Creek, and my youngest, Conor, turns to me and says, `I bet you couldn’t sleep with her!’ and pointed to Katie Holmes. I sat up from the couch, ruffled his hair, and then yanked his head back and said, `Look, you little shit, I’m fucking Tom Cruise! I can sleep with anybody I want!’ Then Isabelle, my daughter, says, `Is that why you had sex with Val Kilmer?’ and I said, `Where did you hear that bullshit?’ and Conor says, `Mommy says that you’re L. Ron Hubbard’s bitch and that’s why you sleep with men.’ And it was around that time that I decided to bang Katie Holmes.”
“Which episode was it?”
“What?”
“Which episode of Dawson’s Creek was it?”
“Oh, it was the one where Joey goes to visit her dad in jail and Dawson realizes that he has feelings for her.”
“Good episode.”
“Yeah.”

The woes of Tech Support

Customer: "Did you know about the thunderstorm? I heard that I should unplug my computer. Should I do that?"

Tech Support: "In most cases, yes, it is best to at least unplug your phone and data line. Lightning sometimes causes power surges that can damage your modem or nic."

Customer: "Can it damage other things as well...like the phone?"

Tech Support: "It is rare, but it is a possibility."

Customer: "So do you think that I should unplug the phone from my computer and from all the phones as well?"

Tech Support: (frustrated) "Couldn't hurt."

Customer: "So when can I plug them all back in?"

Tech Support: (really annoyed now) "When the storm is over."

Customer: "How will I know when it's safe, though?"

My face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it was all I could do to keep myself breathing evenly.


Tech Support: "I will call you."

Customer: "Ok! Thank you!"

OMG... I cant believe I even did it.

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility.

Postmodernist		56%
Existentialist		56%
Cultural Creative		50%
Materialist		44%
Idealist		44%
Modernist		38%
Romanticist		38%
Fundamentalist		31%

Poker does a body GOOD!

Mmmmm.... Poker... I luv it.
You ever heard that expression... Just like a casino.. Liqour in the front... Poker in the rear.

Here is to the Staraces... and their cash I won!

Viva la Dirty Sanchez!

Orale!

WANTED:

Single White Female
Over the age of 75
Independantly Wealthy
Giving in nature
Partially Blind
Hot Granddaughter 19-25

No other surviving relatives

Please email: pimpy@401kalternative.org

Ugh....

Women.... WTF?

Explain to me why I want the crazy ones.....

Applesauce

Mmmmm... Applesauce.

Pimpy's Stable

Yo...

Why do you call where you park your car a driveway, and where you drive your car a parkway?

I really wanna know.